What Comes After The End
by Lady-Aurora-Pendragon
Summary: After King Arthur's death, join Merlin and the rest of Camelot as they try to pick up the pieces and move on.
1. Chapter 1

(**A/N**: Okay, so, this is a new story I am working on. It's a pretty big difference from the other one I am writing right now. First of all, Arthur isn't even in this one, because he's dead. *SPOILER ALERT.* But also because it is in Merlin's point of view and it is a lot about gerif (Actually, it's all about gerif and moving on after someone dies.). Which honestly, I really wanted to write about because I have gone through a lot of grief as of late, I lost someone close to me so I really wanted to write about what I am and was going through. A lot of things Merlin goes through in this story are things I went through, twisted somewhat to match the story and Merlin the show. Which I do not own by the way. This story will be the first part of a 2 or 3 part series, so yeah. No Arthur yet, which is driving me crazy just a little bit because I love Arthur. (hence, my name and what not.) I feel the need to say that Arthur will be in the other parts, just so you know.~Le Writer Lady)

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Part one of series: _Love And What Comes With it_

Title: _What Comes After The End_

Chapter 1

Love is a strange thing, stranger than how a dog looks chasing its tail, more irritating than poison ivy and more painful than a bee sting. It's not easy to get over someone, not when you have had feelings for this person for more than five years, but they love someone else and you just want this person to be happy. But what if this person, not only is in love with someone else, but is also dead too? Then what do you do?

Merlin wondered this, as he lay in his bed, eyes itchy and red from lack of sleep. Nothing had been the same since, how could it be the same? Nothing would be the same ever again.

It had been a full mouth, thirty days since Arthur had been in his arms and died there. It didn't seem real, Merlin could not possibly fathom this, it felt like just yesterday. He could still feel the man's weight in his arms. It couldn't be that long already.

Everyone had told him _"It would get better,"_ and _"It will get easier."_ When? He wondered. When would the images of that pale face and the cold body leave his mind? When would he be able to sleep again? Without dreaming of him or seeing him? A more cleverer person had told him "_The pain will always be there, it's how you choose to live your life afterward that makes the difference. Will you let Arthur's death weigh on you for the rest of your life or will you move on? Not just for yourself, but for Arthur, he wouldn't want to see you this way."_

That was Gaius, and Merlin knew he was right. But he also knew Arthur wasn't here to see him move on, he was dead and really, why should Merlin care about what Arthur would want, if he wasn't even here to tell him about it? If he wasn't here to talk to or to call him an idiot anymore, why should Merlin care what Arthur would have wanted or what he doesn't want to see? Arthur couldn't see anything…

So Merlin laid there, tears welling in his eyes like they did every morning at this hour. A month ago, he might be getting up now; to go serve the king his breakfast, but what does he do now? He lies there, soaking his pillow with tears because it hurts to do anything else. He lies there, like he does every morning, because he doesn't know what else to do, his life had no meaning anymore. He lies there, because he is not willing to go and find anything else that makes his life meaningful.

He lies there, but he doesn't sleep, he can't sleep, because he's too scared to sleep. If he does, he's there, standing there, sitting there, and Merlin knows it's wrong, he's not meant to be here anymore. Sometimes when Merlin does sleep, he dreams it never happened, that everything; the war, the sword bathed in dragon's breath was never made, and life went on. Other times he dreams Arthur's back, he's somehow come back to life and he's there and back, and everything will be okay as long as he doesn't go away again. But it's wrong and it hurts more when Merlin wakes up. He remembers the dragon's words, he said Arthur would come back one day, he also had said Merlin could save him and he couldn't do that, could he? If Arthur did come back, it wouldn't be now anyway. Merlin wished it would be though, he wished more than he wished for anything, that Arthur would come striding into his room right now and tell him he was late with breakfast. And Merlin promised that if this could just happen, he wouldn't scream and blast him out of the room with a spell, he would believe it really was him and he could just…breathe again.

Just breathe, that's what some people had told him too; Gaius and Gwen and Percival, when Merlin had been crying, no…sobbing in front of them, _"Just breathe,"_ but, what for? He didn't want to breathe, he wanted to scream and cry and throw himself out of a window. Breathing would not help, nothing would help. Because no matter how much he wished for it, Arthur wasn't going to come through that door.

The door did open then; Merlin looked up hopeful, but was disappointed to see the gray, long hair of Gaius walking in. What had he been thinking? Gaius looked at him with a disappointed shake of the head.

"Have you been up all night?" he asked. What a stupid question, Merlin thought, of course he had been up all night, he didn't sleep, he couldn't sleep. Gaius knew this. Instead of saying any of this though, Merlin just nodded. "Come on, get some breakfast."

Merlin nodded again, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He didn't feel tired, he felt numb. This would go on for awhile longer, before Merlin passed out somewhere and slept for a full two days. It's already happened once before. At least then, he will be too exhausted to dream.

The worst part of it all is when he wakes up and doesn't remember, and then all the memories come back again, and Merlin goes weeks without sleeping once more. He sits at the wooden table in Gaius' workshop, he is served some sort of sludge in a bowl, and Gaius sits across from him.

"The queen wants a word with you, if you're up for it," he explained, Merlin nodded. He didn't want to see Gwen, he didn't want to see anyone, but he would go anyway. "I think she wants to discuss future work for you."

"Or maybe she wants to kick me out of Camelot for letting her husband die…"he had said it, but he still felt a jerk in his gut, it still hurt too much to say. Arthur was dead.

"Gwen knows it is not your fault."

"Whose fault is it then? No one else was there…"

"You cannot blame yourself for Arthur's death, you tried to save him, everyone knows that you did," Gaius told him, giving him one of those fathering looks. "It was inevitable, the wound was too great."

"I could have done it," Merlin told him, pushing away his food, without eating a bite. "If I hadn't wasted so much time..."

"It wasn't meant to be."

Merlin shrugged, standing up then, heading toward the door.

"Will she be in her chambers?" he asked, and Gaius nodded. Merlin nodded in return and walked out. It was hard to walk down these halls and not think of all the times Arthur had stood over there and said this, or walked past Merlin there, or fought an imposer here. It was a good thing Gwen had moved her chambers, no longer sleeping in the same room she had with the king. It must have been just as painful for her to be in that room as it was for Merlin. It was hard for him to remember that other people were going through this too. That other people felt this hurt, he knew it of course and he felt bad, but it didn't help him deal his own grief and he had to do that first, before he could handle anyone else's.

He had always had Arthur there when someone died. When Will died, he still had Arthur, when his father died, he still had Arthur, when Freya and Lancelot died, he still had Arthur. But now, who did he have? He had Gaius, he had Gwen, he had Leon and Percival, but he couldn't deal with them now, it wasn't the same, they weren't Arthur.

He walked into the queen's champers and saw Leon standing next to her, by the window, as they both looked out. It was rather quiet, with no one talking. No one had noticed him there, so he cleared his throat.

"Oh, Merlin…I didn't expect you so soon," she smiled and Merlin shrugged. "Leon, we will continue this later, yes?" she asked, turning to the head knight, he nodded and bowed to her, before leaving the room. "Merlin, I wanted to talk to you about your work."

"I don't really have any work anymore..." he trailed off, laughing a little, but it was bitter and angry. She let out a huff, with a quick nod.

"That's exactly what I mean," she told him, walking over and touching his shoulder, he didn't really like it, but he didn't say anything because she was the queen and not Arthur and nothing was fun about her touching him. "It's been a month now and you haven't done anything, and I think you need something to keep you busy."

"I'm fine, I….I help Gaius" he lied, because he hadn't helped Gaius do anything at all, not in a month. She pushed him into a high-backed, red chair then.

"Lying to the queen is treason, Merlin, I trust you know that by now," she told him, sitting in a chair next to him.

"I may or may not know this…"

"Gaius and I have spoken and I know that all you do is lie in your bed, or if you do get up, you sit around, doing nothing," she told him. But he was more annoyed about the fact that she and Gaius had been talking about him, like he was a special case or something. "That is not like you, Merlin, and certainly not healthy!"

"How do you know it's not like me? Maybe I like sitting around, I couldn't do that before…I never sat around, well now I get to, maybe it makes me happy?" he barked. "And who needs to be heathy anyway?"

"Merlin…" she said, in a strict-tone. She would make a great mother one day, Merlin thought. "It is not good for you to be sitting there and lingering in what you cannot change, I know you are still hurting, so am I, but we have got to move on."

"I don't really fancy it!"

"Merlin…"

"No, Gwen, I'm sorry, I just don't care," he told her. "I don't care about working; or finding something to do, I don't care if it's not healthy, I don't care if it's not good for me!" he began to shout. "I don't care about anything anymore!"

"That's not true, you know it's not."

"It is, Gwen, it really and honestly is true, I don't care about anything anymore," he told her, closing his eyes. "I'm tired, Gwen, I'm just so tired."

"Gaius has told me how you are not sleeping," Gwen said. But she didn't seem to get it, her husband was dead, she should get it.

"Not like that, Gwen" he told her, sighing.

"I don't understand…"

"No one does," he sighed again. "I know it's been a month and I should get back to work and do everything you are doing, but I can't...I just can't."

"It must be harder for, after all, you were there," she stated, dabbing the corner of her eyes with a silk clothe. "I wish I could have been there in your place."

"No," Merlin said, because it might have been the worst moment of his life but it was his and even though it would haunt him, he wouldn't give it to anyone else, ever. It was the last moment he would have with Arthur and it might hurt, and hurt forever, but still, it was his. "You shouldn't wish for that."

"I…I never got to say-"

"Maybe its best you didn't," he shrugged. "You don't have to remember him like that; you got all the good things. The strong, brave, and charming king."

"I suppose you are right," Gwen smiled, thinking of her late husband. But Merlin just wanted to be sick. It made his stomach tighten to talk about Arthur, Gaius said it is best to talk about him, not to hold it in and Merlin does talk sometimes, like now, but he doesn't like to. He only pretends, so he doesn't have to listen to anyone tell him he should.

"I should get going, I'm sure you are very busy," Merlin told her, then. Watching as the queen dabbed her eyes on the silk clothe again.

"Don't you dare," she told him, latching on to his hand with her soft one. "I know you are still hurting, but when you do sart to care again, I want you to know…there is a spot on the council waiting for you."

"On the council?" Merlin asked, Merlin was a servant, not a advisor. He wasn't meant to sit at the round table, he was meant to stand behind it. He was the man behind it all, the one that helped the kingdom silently. And he liked it that way.

"Yes, I'm not sure if you are aware of this, while you've been holed up in your room, not caring," the queen gave him a small, playful smile. "But I have been working tirelessly on trying to free magic, that was what Leon and I were speaking about, just before you came in."

"Magic?" he asked. "Why?"

"Because of you, obviously," she smiled proudly this time, petting his hand with a soft finger. "You deserve to be free after all you have done for this land."

"I haven't done anything…" he trailed off, shrugging. He didn't know confessing himself a sorcerer, while he cried to her about letting her husband die would lead to this.

"Merlin," she chuckled. "You have saved all of our lives more than once."

"I don't…" he huffed, shaking his hand.

"You cannot change my mind, nothing will change it now," she told him. "It will take time, but when magic is finally free in Camelot I want you to be my advisor for magic, you would know more than anyone else."

"I don't really, honestly," he told her. "You should make Gaius your advisor."

"Gaius is much too old, and he already had his work he is devoted to, I want you," she said, suddenly grabbing both of his hands in hers. "This is what Arthur would have wanted, I know it in my heart, he would do the same."

He couldn't take it, it was all too overwhelming, tears welled in his itchy eyes then, and leaked down his cheekbones. Would this be what Arthur would do? He would never know, because Arthur is dead…


	2. Chapter 2

_M_erlin eventually took the position of advisor, after Gwen and Gaius all but dragged him to a few meetings. It wasn't that bad, he only had to fight back tears a few times, remember how the king had stood there once, and how it was Arthur who brought back the round table.

It had been six months now, six months since Arthur died, twenty-six weeks exactly. Merlin still couldn't sleep, he hardly ate and looked the part, his clothes were even baggier than before. He knew everyone noticed, but what was he supposed to do? He knew everyone else was getting better, everyone had things that took their minds off it, everyone had their work. Merlin had work too; he had things to do now, but it still didn't get better.

He couldn't understand how everyone else had gotten better so fast, it still felt like just a few days, just a few days ago he watched that boat glide away from him. Everyone else smiled more now, laughed more too, it wasn't as somber around the castle. It was lively once again outside, the people had realized Gwen was a more than capable queen, they were happy again. And then there was Merlin, an empty shell going around doing stupid things he couldn't care less about.

He supposed it might just be a facade, that the knight's whom practiced alone now, without a king to give them direction, only acted like that didn't faze them. Only pretended to be the rough and tough, battle-ready group they used to be and behind the doors, at night, when they were alone, Leon and Percival missed Arthur just as much as Merlin did. He supposed Gwen only put on a together front on the outside, let everyone think she was well and strong, while at night, when she slept alone, she wept.

He didn't want this to be true, but he hoped it was, he didn't want to feel like he was the only one who wasn't moving on. Who couldn't move on.

"Everyone comes to terms with things differently," Gaius was telling him, as he sat at the table, not eating his dinner. "It will be harder for you, you were there, alone. In time you will heal, Merlin…" _In time,_ he's heard that one enough times. "It will get easier, I promise you, my boy."

"And what if it doesn't?" Merlin asked in return, he was fairly sure it wouldn't. "What do I do then?"

"It will, you have to believe it will."

Merlin didn't believe, that was why? Merlin huffed; he had believed in things before and look at where that gotten him. He just went to bed that night, stomach rejecting the few bites he did take of his super. He didn't sleep.

He was doing stupid things he didn't care about again, wondering around the castle, it didn't matter what he was doing, it was all part of the fight to free magic, but he didn't care about freeing magic anymore. Honestly, he didn't, not if Arthur wasn't here to do it with him.

"Merlin!" he heard from behind and he stalled in his spot, turning back to see Percival standing there. "Hello, Merlin."

"Hello," he replied.

"Leon and I are going to the Rising Sun tonight; we wanted to know if you were up to come along?"

Merlin thought about it, that was about the last thing he wanted to do. The last time he was in the tavern, Arthur had been there with him…he couldn't, he just couldn't.

"No thank you," Merlin told him, turning to walk away.

"Merlin, I think it would be good for you," Percival said, grabbing hold of Merlin's shoulder, stopping him from walking away. "I think you should change your mind."

"I really don't like the tavern, Percival," Merlin explained. " And I'm not interested in what's good for me either."

"If you don't come along we will just keep on asking you, until you agree..."

He shouldn't have come, he knew he shouldn't have. He felt like he was trapped in a box or a very tiny room, with no air and no way out. Everyone looked so happy, sitting around talking, laughing. YOUR KING JUST DIED, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? He wanted to yell at them. But of course, he hadn't just died, it was six months ago and they hadn't known him like Merlin did.

Merlin looked down at his mead and saw the full tankard staring back at him. He couldn't drink it. He felt sick, how could he willingly drink something he knew would make it worse? He huffed and looked back up at Leon and Percival.

"This is fun," Leon stated, nodding, as if trying to convince himself of this. Merlin knew the truth, and he could not wait to just go to bed. Not that he would sleep.

"Gwaine would have made things a bit more lively, wouldn't he?" Percival said then and Merlin gulped. Gwaine….he had died too, six months ago, just like Arthur. Merlin had been so devastated by Arthur dying he had forgotten to truly feel sick over Gwaine, but now he did. Gwaine had been his friend too, a very good friend. Merlin suddenly wanted to drawn himself in his drink. He looked up to see Leon tapping a hand on Percival's back, who looked close to tears, both of them did.

Merlin lifted his tankard then, willing himself not to breakdown in front of the last two knights he knew. The last two of his friends in armor.

"To Gwaine!" he said, getting a smile out of Percival.

"To Gwaine!" both knights cheered, lifting their drinks and all three of them took a sip. Everything was quiet after that and soon Merlin excused himself, telling the pair he had to get up early. Truth be told, he just couldn't stand it anymore, it wasn't the same, not without Arthur or Gwaine.

He returned to Gaius' chambers and snuck into his room, trying not to wake the old man up. Merlin let out a shaky breath once the door was shut and he leaned against it. Letting the tears that have been threatening to overtake him finally come out. He wondered over to his bed, sobs contracting through him by now. With his face in his hands, sobbing.

He cried for Arthur _and_ for Gwaine that night.

The next morning he felt sicker than he had the night before, his lack of sleep was creeping up on him again. He was forgetting things and losing his balance more. All the things that have happened before, when his exhaustion finally took its toll. He welcomed the sleep, he asked for it, being awake so long was torture, but waking up, with all those memories coming back, that's what he couldn't deal with.

He walked into the royal champers that morning, numbly; Gwen was sitting at a desk by the window, writing. She looked lovely and well rested; Merlin bet he looked like that troll King Uther had been married to once.

"Good morning, Merlin," she smiled at him and he could only nod in return. She looked him over and frowned then. "Have you eaten?" He shrugged at her question. "When is the last time you have had a proper meal?"

"Oh, um…Gaius made dinner last night, I ate some of that," Merlin mumbled, his head was dizzy and his chest was getting tight. All signs that his usual fatigue was about to overcome him. Merlin just hoped he actually got to his bed this time, before passing out. He didn't like waking up pressed against a windowsill, like that one time.

"Did you eat a full meal?" Gwen was asking again and Merlin shrugged, half-heartedly. "I am asking as your queen, Merlin, when is the last time you've eaten properly?"

"Six months ago!" he barked, turning away from her. No, he was not having this conversation, he was fine, so he wasn't eating how he was supposed to, he was more conserned with the pouding of his heart that rattled in his ears.

"Merlin, you have to eat!" Gwen told him, standing up, and walking over to him, but as she faced him once more, her eyes widened. "When did you last sleep?"

"I don't know, a few weeks ago…"

"Merlin!" she looked so concerned.

"You know how I am, Gwen, I'll sleep for a two days and be alright again," he told her, she was going in and out of focus. He was just so tired all of a sudden.

"You can't go on like this!" she told him, touching his forehead. "You need something that might help you!"

"Gaius has tried sleeping drafts, they don't work on me," Merlin shrugged. "I tried putting myself to sleep with magic, but all I do is...dream."

"Is that why you are forcing yourself to stay awake?" she asked, so concerned she looked near tears. "So you won't dream?"

"I don't want to dream, Gwen, I….I don't want to see him," he muttered, taking in a breath, that rattled in his chest, just like his racing heart. She pulled him into a hug then and he went willingly.

"You must sleep, Merlin, you are going to end up killing yourself like this."

Funny story about that, he thought, as he rested his head on her shoulder. She was just so soft and warm and not dead, he liked it, his eyes were batting shut on him against his own will.

"Merlin…" she was calling him, but he couldn't answer her, everything was fading black. This was the kind of sleep he liked, so dark, so deep he couldn't dream, he wouldn't have to see Arthur there, or watch him die again. It was just black, nothingness, the only sleep worth having. He didn't want to wake up though, he didn't want to have to remember it all again, to remember him dying, to remember the emptiness. Merlin didn't ever want to wake up, but, of course, he did…

When he did wake up he was in strange chambers. Walls he had never been in before, he looked around, from his view on the bed, and saw a window, it was dark outside, there was a desk, it was a nice desk. Along with a cupboard that looked much bigger than his, and in a chair close to the bed, was Gwen.

"Gwen?" he mumbled, voice tired and itchy.

"Merlin, you're awake," she smiled at him, leaning forward. "I was worried something worse had happened. Gaius told me you were just asleep, but if you had seen your face, I…."

"I'm sorry I had worried you," he said, sitting up a bit, he felt much better now that he had slept.

"Please, Merlin, you have to take care of yourself, I cannot bear to lose someone else I care about," she told him, tears welling in her eyes now. "If not for me, then for Arthur. Think of how he would feel seeing you this way."

"If he were here to see me this way, I wouldn't have to_ be_ this way," Merlin said, turning away from her. He felt Gwen grab his hand and he let her.

"I know how you feel, I do, believe me," she told him. "There is not a day goes by that I do not wish for him to still be here, but the truth is, he isn't and now, we have to find a way to deal with that, together."

"I don't think I can."

"You have to try, Merlin," she came and sat on the bed then, pulling him into her arms. He felt like a child, but he stayed there anyway, he didn't have the energy to move and the warmth felt nice. "You cannot keep yourself in this pattern. You must sleep and you must eat. Promise me that you will from now on?"

"I…I'll try," me mumbled, turning his face into her shoulder. He didn't care how he looked, everything hurt too much.

"I need your word, you will not harm yourself in this way anymore," she insisted, petting his hair. He had been right to think it before; she would make a wonderful mother.

"You have my word, I promise."

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(**A/N:** I didn't think this story would be overly popular, But I had to write it. Arthur is a bit of a deal breaker for me personally, no Arthur no me gusta. But that's my thoughts on the matter.)


	3. Chapter 3

_Merlin," he was calling him. "Merlin..." he stood there, white shirt as clean as the day it was sown, Merlin had always liked white on him. "Merlin…"_

Merlin's eyes jerked open and he took in a breath, rolling over in his fancy, four-poster bed. It might have been more comfortable in this bed, but he missed the home feeling he got when he used to sleep in Gaius' chambers. He hadn't slept in that room in months.

It had been a year now, Fifty two weeks since Merlin had last seen his king. Now it was only dreams, and Merlin dreamed about him most every night. He hated it, it was cruel punishment, to see him, to be able to touch him, and it all be a lie. In the morning, when Merlin wakes up he's still gone, still dead. It hurt, a aching pain, he swore would never go away.

Merlin rubbed the tears from his eyes and sat up, he didn't have time for this today, he had to up and get going. Tonight there was a big event taking place, magic would be free after tonight. Queen Guinevere had ordered a feast in honor of the year anniversary of the battle of Camlann and tonight, before they dined, she would announce at last, magic would be free.

He got out of bed and dressed, leaving the breakfast someone had brought him on the tray as he left the room. He still had trouble eating, he had no interest in food, he only truly ate if he was around Gwen or Gaius. (Which one or the other seemed to remarkably be there at least one meal a day.) He walked along the halls of the castle, saying hello to a passing servant as he rounded the corner to Gwen's room.

The two had grown close over the year, very close. Merlin felt a duty to her, he had promised Arthur once that he would protect him and now, he would do the same for his queen and his kingdom. And in return Gwen cared about him, to the point of fussy-mother, but Merlin liked it. He knocked on the door of her chambers and it was opened by Leon. He often found Leon in the queen's room these days, but he was the head knight after all.

"Good morning," he said to Leon, as he walked in. Gwen was sitting at her desk, signing papers.

"I must go see to the training, my lady," Leon said, as he bowed. "Merlin."

And he was gone, she looked up then and smiled at Merlin.

"Are you prepared for tonight?" she asked, calmly, but he could tell she was also excited. It was a bit bitter sweet, no, a lot bitter sweet. Magic would finally be free, at last, but also it was the anniversary of Camlann, the anniversary of Arthur's death. Merlin sighed, as he sat down in a high-backed chair, near her desk.

He couldn't believe it had been a year already, it didn't feel like a year, it still felt as if it could have happened yesterday. He wondered if that would ever go away, if the irritating pain in his chest that was Arthur, would ever truly leave.

"I know it will be hard for you, these next few days," Gwen was saying. "But try not to think about it. Think of, instead, after all this time, you will finally be free to be who you truly are."

"I'm happy about that," Merlin said, biting his lip, thoughtfully. "But, it will be hard not to think about it."

"It will be for all of us," Gwen said, looking back down at her papers. "Just be strong, Merlin, I know you can."

Merlin nodded then and sat back, thinking.

That night Merlin and Gwen entered the feast together, her hand wrapped around his arm, as they both were draped in Pendragon red. They parted at the table, and Gwen took the head chair, where she could see all of her peoples, Merlin sat to her right, Leon came in soon after and took the seat on her left. It was an important night, everything had to go perfect. Merlin looked down the table and saw Gaius there, smiling proudly back at him. Merlin tried to hold the tears as Gwen stood, ready to give her speech.

It was a beautiful speech, about loyalty and friendship and Merlin's name was mentioned too many times for his liking, but when it was finally over, Merlin had to wipe away the tears, both happy and sad. It was done, Queen Guinevere signed the paper right at that very table, in front of everyone, just to prove a point. There would be no more fear when it came to magic, and in the end, it would make the kingdom stronger.

After awhile the feast was coming to a close, Merlin stood up, looking over at the few people still lazily eating and the others talking. They all seemed happy, it didn't matter to them if magic was free, most everyone knew now, about Merlin, anyway. He walked down the length of the table until he got to Gaius, who had been talking to an old advisor before he turned to look at Merlin with a grin.

"You've done it, my boy."

Merlin nodded, looking down with a small smile, it's true, from the very beginning all he had wanted was to have magic freed in Camelot, well now…he wanted something else entirely. But being free didn't feel bad either.

"I haven't done anything, it was Gwen."

"It was both of you, "Gaius smiled. "I've never been more proud."

He got up then and hugged Merlin.

They left together, talking about would happen in the next days, with magic now free, laws would have to be put in place and Gwen surely needed help with that. Merlin walked Gaius all the way to his chambers before leaving him there, heading back to his own chambers. But first, he thought he ought to go see Gwen once more that night, so they could talk about how the feast had gone. In the hall, the feast was nothing now, only dirty plates and left over's were left on the table. He sighed, watching the servants cleaning.

"Here," he said, stepping closer to the table, the few maids there, looked up, confused. "Let me do it," and the first free spell he used in Camelot was a cleaning spell. The maids all cheered for him and one even kissed him on the cheek, thanking him before he walked out.

He was smiling; he hadn't felt this good in a very long time, magic was free at long last. He headed down the hall, going to look for Gwen when he heard voices around the corner; he paused, peeking around the wall to see Leon and Gwen standing close together. He almost went and interrupted them, until their heads leaned together. Merlin's mouth fell open.

You can't do that to the queen! He thought, but anger started to set in on him, as he watched them pull apart, a smile was on Gwen's lips. How could she do this? Leon..? What about Arthur?

He growled and turned around, heading down the corridor, he stomp the whole way to Gaius' chambers and blew in, Gaius jumped up from his spot on his bed.

"Merlin?"

"I just saw…" he paused, seething with anger. "I just saw Gwen and Leon…."

"Pardon me?" Gaius asked, looking confused back at Merlin.

"Gwen and Leon," he said again. "They were in the hall…kissing!"

"I see," Gaius nodded. "And you are angry about this?"

"Obviously!" Marlin barked. Walking further into the room, aiming a kick at a chair, it fell over and he used magic to pick it back up. "How could she do this to Arthur?"

"Arthur?" Gaius asked, smiling a little.

"Yeah, remember him? He was the king, he's dead now so he can't even kick Leon's-"

"Merlin…" Gaius stopped him. "Did you expect Gwen to stay alone for the rest of her life?"

"No," Merlin grumbled. "But….but Leon? It's only been a year and she goes running into Leon's arms?"

"She has taken comfort in a strong man, who will surely look after her," Gaius said, smiling still. "Leon will take care of her."

"She doesn't need taking care of!" Merlin barked. "Arthur's barely dead and they're already canoodling!"

"Arthur's been dead for a year, Merlin."

"I know that, Gaius!" he barked again. "It's only been a year and she already moves on to another man, I shouldn't have let him marry her!"

"Let him marry her?" Gaius asked, with a raised eyebrow. "And what say did you have in who Arthur married?"

"I could have stopped him, if I had wanted to…if I would have known."

"Merlin," Gaius shook his head. "Arthur chose Gwen because he loved her, and he would have wanted to see Gwen with someone like Leon. I am sure if he were here he would be pleased to know she will be loved and taken care of."

"How the hell would you know what Arthur would have wanted?" Merlin yelled, finally, feeling his blood boiling past breaking point. "You all clam to know what Arthur would have wanted, but you don't, none of you do!"

He walked to the door then, yanking it open with haste.

"I'm glad to know where you stand on this, Gaius," he barked, before leaving the room and slamming the door behind him. He went back to his chambers and sat on his bed, taking deep breaths. How could she do this to Arthur? If it was Merlin…

He paused then, sighing, it wasn't Merlin though.

He lay down on the bed and tried to sleep, but he didn't feel like keeping his word to Gwen anymore, he didn't want to speak to Gwen or even look at Gwen. He wanted to leave Camelot. The hours ticked by until it was light again, Merlin lay there, itchy eyed and sick. He hated them, he hated Gwen and he especially hated Leon. How could he do this to Arthur? He was Arthur's loyalist knight!

Merlin wanted to be ill, he rolled on his side and closed his eyes. He must have fallen asleep for a moment or two, because when he opened his eyes again, there was a knock on the door.

He stood up and marched over to the door, yanking it open to see Gwen there. He growled.

"What?"

"You didn't come to my chambers this morning, I was worried," Gwen explained, Merlin rolled his eyes and turned around, heading back into his chambers. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Perfect, just lovely," he said, keeping his back turned to her, as he looked out of the window. Camelot was coming alive below them and he hated everyone of them. They would all be happy for Gwen and Leon; they would all allow her to replace Arthur. But Merlin wouldn't, he turned back and sneared at her, she looked conserned.

"Merlin, what is the matter?"

"How long?" he barked, stepping closer to her.

"I'm afraid I don't understand…"

"How long have you and Leon been...?"

"Oh," she mumbled, her face turning a lighter shade. "How did you find out?"

"I saw you last night in the hall," he said, seething again, he swore he looked like a savage beast and he didn't care. "How could you do this?"

"How could I do what exactly?" she asked, seeming a little peeved suddenly, she had no right to be peeved. "Leon is a good man, we've grown close."

"I had known that," Merlin stated. "I suppose I just didn't know how close."

"He cares for me," Gwen shrugged.

"Just like Arthur did!" Merlin all but yelled. "How could you do this to him?"

"Arthur's dead, Merlin," she told him, bottom lip quivering ever so slightly. "There is no changing that!"

"You are betraying him!" Merlin yelled, turning to leave his own chambers. "If this is how quickly you move on," Merlin wrenched open his door. "You never deserved his love!"

And then he slammed it, walking down the hall with haste , he wasn't sure where he was going, but he was angry, so angry. He just walked, and walked, trying to control his magic that threatened to boil over.

He found himself, before long, in front of the king's chambers, he hadn't been in these chambers in a year, not once since Arthur had died. Merlin let out a slight cry, as he turned the knob and it opened, just like it always had, he didn't know what else he had expected, it to be locked?

He walked in, feeling his heart wrench at the sight. Dust had settled on top of the tables and on the cupboard, the bed, with the red sheets stood there untouched, still made and just as it had been left. Everything in the room screamed Arthur and it was almost too much to take. Merlin only made it to the bed before he broke down in sobs; he stood in front of it, staring at it as tears fell from his eyes, making tracks down his cheeks.

It wasn't fair, nothing should ever hurt this much. He fell to his knees then, unable to breathe, his insides lurched at the force of the sobs he let out. It wasn't fair, how everyone else moved on and only Merlin was left to feel this way. It wasn't fair he couldn't get over Arthur. It wasn't fair that Gwen had someone else now.

He raked his fingers through his own hair, a failed attempt to try to come himself down. He was sure he would never stop crying, never stop hurting. He wanted to die right now, to get it over with and to be with Arthur, then he wouldn't have to move on. But it was no use, Merlin couldn't die.

He hadn't told anyone else this, but he was immortal, his magic made it so he couldn't die, and now he would live with this pain forever. It wasn't fair!

He heard the chamber door open and he couldn't bear to look to see who it was. He felt arms wrap around him and he turned away from her.

"I'm sorry you are so upset," she told him, he refused to speak to her. "I cannot pretend to understand how you must feel."

"I just don't understand how you could move on so quickly, how you could forget about him," Merlin said, trying to breath, but his words came out in huffs anyway. She petted his head, slowly and softly.

"It isn't easy, I loved him with all of my heart, but I don't want to be alone forever."

He huffed at this, he would be.

"I know you loved him, Merlin," she told him then. "And you must feel betrayed."

"Of course I loved him, he was the king, everyone did," he said, she wiped a tear from his cheekbone.

"You cared for him much more than just as your king or even a friend," she stated. "You were in love with him."

He sighed; he tried to keep that a secret.

"How did you know?"

"I'm not blind," he looked over and she smiled at him. "Even a blind man could see how you cared for him."

"I didn't mean to..." he muttered, turning to her and letting more tears fall.

"It's not wrong to love someone," she told him. "But it is wrong to let this grief consume you, you have to move on. I know how it feels, I felt guilty as well, for a long time, but I cannot live my life that way anymore and neither can you."

"I can't help it," he told her. "He was everything to me…and he…"

"And he never knew how you truly felt, I know," she cooed, pulling him into a hug. "But he does now."

"I don't like that idea."

"I suppose it isn't that comforting," she said, with a smile. Merlin laughed, but it sounded more like a whimper. "I am truly sorry you found out the way you did, about Leon and I," she paused. "I was going to sit you down and tell you, I just didn't know how."

"I would have reacted the same."

"You must know, I have no intention of replacing Arthur, Arthur will always be a part of our lives and a part of Camelot," she told him, he marveled at how she always seemed to know what he had been thinking. "He will never be forgotten."

"I wouldn't let him be," Merlin told her, smiling a little.

"Of course you wouldn't."


End file.
